you gotta take a bow, and do it your way.

once again, for those of you who really do not care about my life. there is no point in reading this.

so i have decided i need to write on here. it helps me in a lot of ways.  i need the help. this whole entry, is pretty much me venting about something.

now do not get me wrong, i am a happy child, and i have my down days but i always try to keep my head up, well try to.  but a few months ago my family kinda fell apart, and still is. and most people already know the story, but no one knows the way i really feel. i have never really talked about it. and i am sick of holding it in, so here it goes.

some of my family was going to a giants game, and my mom got a call when we were almost at the game, it was from my sister, she was was delusional.my sister had a huge mental breakdown, in iowa when she was down lord only knows what with her boyfriend. everyone except my mom, aunt, and i went to the giants game, i had to know what was wrong with her. i was terrified. my mom had the phone on speaker phone most of the time while she was talking to my sister, and i was dead silent the whole time. my sister was scarred someone was after her trying to kill her. once again i was terrified. we got the police to come and pick her up and take her to the hospital. and this is where i broke down and could not listen to anymore. when the doctors were taking blood samples she kept saying “what are they doing to me” over and over again in a quiet scratchy voice. i got out of the car and sat there and cried  balled. and just thinking about it makes me start to cry again. i could not listen to any more of it, so i just sat there in a parking lot at 9pm in San Francisco crying, this whole phone call thing lasted hours. or at least it felt like it.

the next day, my mom flew out there to get her, she was gone for a couple of days. when my mom called us she was on her way home with my sister, i was nervous. i had no idea what she was gonna be like, i prepared for the worst…and it still did not help. when the car pulled up i was horrified. my mom got out, my brother got out, and they helped my sister out. she was pale, and not pale like she had not gotten any sun, but like pale, like she was ready to die any second. she said something, but i dont remember. my mom brought her inside and tried to get her to sleep. she was to scared that someone might kill her in her sleep. every chance i got, i cried. it helped.a large part of my family came and lived in our house. i think the total count was like 13 or 14. and there just wasnt enough room, in a few days, we moved into my aunts, which was a bigger house.

once in my aunts we all got comfortable. my sister was slowly getting better. but not fast enough. she was still finding ways to kill her self or ways to escape and run away. but this is where i kind of draw a blank. i dont remember much, but we stayed there for a long time. almost 2 month. about 13 of us. the few things i do remember are the happy things, or kinda happy things, so who ever said that people push back the bad memories till they’re forgotten was right.

the happy things i remember…. my sister didnt eat for a long time, she was afraid it was poisoned, she started eating more slowly. then one day she asked “can you eat yourself to death?” as sad as it sounds, that may have been the first time we all laughed in over a month.  the other thing i remember was, one day i was listening to Wicked and my sister wanted me to paint her green, so i crushed up chalk and mixed it with water, and i painted her green. my cousin got her a big black dress and she thought she was the wicked witch. she ran around the house screaming “curtain call in five!” and “this is the biggest show of my life”. so we blasted wicked and danced around the house. she got a little to in to it, and she ran out in the street dancing and singing….the dress was short. and she wasnt wearing any underwear. enough said.

something happened though, she got worse or something, we couldnt take care of her anymore, we have had enough, and my mom put her in a hospital. she was there for awhile, but since she is over 18 she can leave when she has the option. and she did just that. she left, and went back with her boyfriend. this was around october she left. i have not seen her since. my sister, my best friend growing up, gone, left her whole family, for a trashy, disgusting guy.

everything we did for those months was thrown away.

now how i feel about all of this. i appear like its nothing, and everyone thinks i feel fine about it….. i guess i am a better actor than i thought. my life is ruined, not completely but im only hanging on with a finger. and slowly im getting a better grip on things, but i’m not getting it fast enough.  i do get sad a lot, and i always have the feeling like i need a hug. i want my old life back, i want my family back to normal….i just want my sister back.

Honestly, this hurts so much to bring up, and i cried a few times while writing this. I started writing this awhile ago, but never finished. And i feel like i needed to for some reason.

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