All the way back to February, of 2010 of course. at least im pretty sure it was that month. i was forced highly recommend to audition for the school musical, i didnt even know what the play was!! i miss the first audition, so my mom being my mom, went and talk to the director. and so she said i could audition at call backs.  the day of call back rolls around, i am supposed to have a song ready to sing… i did not have one. so right before i go through my whole ipod trying to find a song, i end up singing The Fear by Lily Allen, i did horrible. but not the point. i was oh so proud of myself for doing it. for those of you non theatre people, call backs are where all the really good people get “called back” for their last chance for the roll they want, i just walked in, i wasnt “called back, i just went.  so i was proud, even though i looked like shit, i will never forget what i wore, (big black torn up hoodie w/ a vibrant pink skull on it,  skinny jeans, and a beanie cause i was to lazy to do my hair that day…Oh and the play i was doing was “Anything Goes!”

a week or 2 later, rehearsals start. meaning, all hell breaks lose (in a good way..?). every day after school till 6, and on Saturday from 10-1. now that wasnt bad….then the  hell best week ever came around. every day after school til 9ish at night. i practically lived at school. the play literally changed my life.  i have made so many friends, it amazing. Sigrid, my lovely swedish friend whom i want to spend the rest of my life with (as friendss), John, the cap-ee-tan of the SS AMERICA, the man i do want to spend the rest of my life with, literally. yeah thats right john!  and the fantastic foursome came out of the play as well!!! (Sam, Shawn, Luara, and I).

thats sigrid ^^

thats john^^ my lover <3

Then april 20th rolled around, show night!  I had the most fun i think ive ever had on stage!

Public Enemy #1

My Asian-ness <3

Olivia, my on stage wife. :]

Now its over, and its depressing! I miss everyone, and everything. I miss being at school all day, on stage, with those burning hot lights on me all the time! I miss my asian outfit, and my bowl cut, and my wives, and my deck of cards, and my tray with the champagne and glasses, and my little note book and apron, and the retarded swinging doors that wouldnt stay close, and my button up shirt that really is supposed to be for girls, and my 1930′s vintage linen pants, and biting lauren on the back of the neck while waiting for the drum solo that i could never hear, and everything!!!!!

sing time!!! with an asian! <3

Out of all of everything, i think i miss being back stage the most. Thats like where all the fun happened, intense games of Ninja, some intense sexual groping, and what not!!! i loved it, we would all lay in a big pile and just relax, judo chop each other to death, or just sit there and grab each others asses. you know, the typical back stage behavior! whats not to love about it? out of all the plays i have been in, i have never, ever, ever seen a more sexual cast! it was awesome!!

NINJAAA!!!!!!

(for those of you who didnt get the title of this, it means “would you like to sleep with me tonight?”, i thought it seems to fit here since the cast was so sexual, and every second backstage was like one giant orgy party!”)

I LOVE YOU CAST OF ANYTHING GOES! AND I ALWAYS WILL! WE WILL ALWAYS BE PASSENGERS ON THE SS AMERICAN!

so i have decided i need to write on here. it helps me in a lot of ways.  i need the help. this whole entry, is pretty much me venting about something.

now do not get me wrong, i am a happy child, and i have my down days but i always try to keep my head up, well try to.  but a few months ago my family kinda fell apart, and still is. and most people already know the story, but no one knows the way i really feel. i have never really talked about it. and i am sick of holding it in, so here it goes.

some of my family was going to a giants game, and my mom got a call when we were almost at the game, it was from my sister, she was was delusional.my sister had a huge mental breakdown, in iowa when she was down lord only knows what with her boyfriend. everyone except my mom, aunt, and i went to the giants game, i had to know what was wrong with her. i was terrified. my mom had the phone on speaker phone most of the time while she was talking to my sister, and i was dead silent the whole time. my sister was scarred someone was after her trying to kill her. once again i was terrified. we got the police to come and pick her up and take her to the hospital. and this is where i broke down and could not listen to anymore. when the doctors were taking blood samples she kept saying “what are they doing to me” over and over again in a quiet scratchy voice. i got out of the car and sat there and cried  balled. and just thinking about it makes me start to cry again. i could not listen to any more of it, so i just sat there in a parking lot at 9pm in San Francisco crying, this whole phone call thing lasted hours. or at least it felt like it.

the next day, my mom flew out there to get her, she was gone for a couple of days. when my mom called us she was on her way home with my sister, i was nervous. i had no idea what she was gonna be like, i prepared for the worst…and it still did not help. when the car pulled up i was horrified. my mom got out, my brother got out, and they helped my sister out. she was pale, and not pale like she had not gotten any sun, but like pale, like she was ready to die any second. she said something, but i dont remember. my mom brought her inside and tried to get her to sleep. she was to scared that someone might kill her in her sleep. every chance i got, i cried. it helped.a large part of my family came and lived in our house. i think the total count was like 13 or 14. and there just wasnt enough room, in a few days, we moved into my aunts, which was a bigger house.

once in my aunts we all got comfortable. my sister was slowly getting better. but not fast enough. she was still finding ways to kill her self or ways to escape and run away. but this is where i kind of draw a blank. i dont remember much, but we stayed there for a long time. almost 2 month. about 13 of us. the few things i do remember are the happy things, or kinda happy things, so who ever said that people push back the bad memories till they’re forgotten was right.

the happy things i remember…. my sister didnt eat for a long time, she was afraid it was poisoned, she started eating more slowly. then one day she asked “can you eat yourself to death?” as sad as it sounds, that may have been the first time we all laughed in over a month.  the other thing i remember was, one day i was listening to Wicked and my sister wanted me to paint her green, so i crushed up chalk and mixed it with water, and i painted her green. my cousin got her a big black dress and she thought she was the wicked witch. she ran around the house screaming “curtain call in five!” and “this is the biggest show of my life”. so we blasted wicked and danced around the house. she got a little to in to it, and she ran out in the street dancing and singing….the dress was short. and she wasnt wearing any underwear. enough said.

something happened though, she got worse or something, we couldnt take care of her anymore, we have had enough, and my mom put her in a hospital. she was there for awhile, but since she is over 18 she can leave when she has the option. and she did just that. she left, and went back with her boyfriend. this was around october she left. i have not seen her since. my sister, my best friend growing up, gone, left her whole family, for a trashy, disgusting guy.

everything we did for those months was thrown away.

now how i feel about all of this. i appear like its nothing, and everyone thinks i feel fine about it….. i guess i am a better actor than i thought. my life is ruined, not completely but im only hanging on with a finger. and slowly im getting a better grip on things, but i’m not getting it fast enough.  i do get sad a lot, and i always have the feeling like i need a hug. i want my old life back, i want my family back to normal….i just want my sister back.

Honestly, this hurts so much to bring up, and i cried a few times while writing this. I started writing this awhile ago, but never finished. And i feel like i needed to for some reason.

my life is filled to the top with excitement and i know you’re jealous!

OHHH! i love that picture!

so i’ll try to update this more!

My mom kills me for not trying enough to act more…..but what she doesnt know is it kills me just as much. I would do or give up anything to be in a show like Wicked! I’m promising myself right now, that i will do some form of acting within the school year!

So im pretty sure this was the highlight of my whole summer! Once again! THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH GRANDMA!

Alice is once again returning to Wonderland, when she’s 17 that is, some time has gone by, and Wonderland just isn’t the same. Things seem to be, odd, strange, weird, and not the bright colorful land Alice fell in love with.

Even the people have lost their shine and adopted some new features Alice surely won’t love! The cast for this one will be AMAZING!

Creepy right? Mad Hatter, Johnny Depp! Like i said AMAZING!

OK! So the Red and White queens. I dont really know who either of them are, in the movie. I only remember the Queen of Hearts, i think that was it, but yea.  I dont know who the Red Quenn is but the White Queen is Anne Hathaway! Despite her see thru clothes im sure she’ll do great!

Tweedledum and Tweedledee, arn’t they cute? Im not really sure who they are played by, but what ever they still look sick!

So back in Wonderland isn’t an easy game of croquet, but it sure looks fun!

The movie is coming out March 5, 2010!!!!! I CANT WAIT!

Yes, i clearly know they’re not sisters. but COME ON! they look alike! a lot of people dont think so but they do. i just found this video and came to a conclusion Lady Gaga is way better, she writes her own songs, and she can dance. any person that can dance get bonus points right there to me. christina has danced… unsuccessfully. plus im more if a techno person, which is more Lady Gaga, i dont even what you call christinas type of music. dont get me wrong, i like christina, i just like Lady Gaga, wayyy more. i just wrote this to see who you think is better, dont know? watch the video above!! (..huh i randomly never capitalized christinas name while i did Lady Gaga’s )

also ive come to the conclusion that music is the most important thing in my life, ive always thought that, but now ive offically decided it is. it is every emotion! it replaces love, hate, sad, anger, everything! i think hate and anger is like the same thing but oh well. i love the feeling of love, im just not to lucky in the area, hate i get a lot so i cover it up with music, tears can be held back with music, and anger…   

and what goes good with music??? DANCING! nothing makes me smile more than dancing, no matter how, gay, nerdy, what ever. i love it

this is my FAVORITE Lady Gaga video, a little creepy, but the dancing and song is so GOOD! it starts out a little sexual, but it gets really good! 

WATCH IT! 

what i learned…( skip this whole paragraph if you dont care)

books are the best way to escape the worst of the worst, beta fish die in the cold, video games are the biggest waste of time, when someone says something is really fun and tell you to do it..dont you’ll get addicted, why i have my random addicitons, visa gift cards are the best invention in the world, some people cant be trusted with your passwords, what a mickey ears look like pirate style, my sisters art looks really good in my room, how to decorate a dead tree branch, family isnt the best choice to go for help first, cidnee is a freak (more than i thought), alex evans’ clothes are REALLY cool, having a map in your room teaches you a lot, how good of spy i am,  soda can go flat even when its in a can, SVHS doesnt know how to spell excellence, what a real lay from hawaii smells like, playing music tells other what your feeling, random notes around your room from friends make me smile, dancing is one of my biggest joys, california really isnt THAT bad, dont give my mom my phone, job hunting in sonoma SUCKS, Mr pagano is by far the worst teacher in the world while mrs esch is the best, the more a people know a secret the more fun you can have, and thats not even 1/13456 of it all.

i just cant believe how fast it went by. a lot of the times i had someone there is speed it up but even when i didnt it went by fast. really what helped me the most (it may sound weird) was music. i have i playing in my room 100% of the time, even when im at school or sleeping. it just is there for multiple reasons. it may have been there to block out my thoughts or just something to dance to when when im cleaning. it helps try it!

speaking of music, my most recent music addiction is Lady Gaga. her music is like really weird. some of the remixes are better, like i LOVE her song paparazzi. it has the best lyrics and beat! the video is really creepy but like that matters, right? her costumes in all her videos are so cool! i love her!

what else, oh yea school, was….odd. made new friends, lost some. but thats life. left some with bruises literally and mentally. OH well… love most of my teachers and HATED one! YES I HATED SALVADOR! but i had GREAT times with alexis and anna in that class so oh well.  im going back next year to help with the play. YES! im so excited im gonna be like the director, with Kate that is.

so my year wasnt the best. but it was pretty dam close. rush is August 8th which i am SO excited for! but thats not for a while.. ill just have to wait. OH WELL.

so sarah left bruises but i can honestly i’m gonna miss her. i know this is kinda random but i just had like a mini flash back.

–Sarah and I rolling around on the grass and I somehow end up laying on top of her.

Adam text me “Wacha doin?”

Me (text) “Laying on top of sarah”

Adam (text) “Should i be worried?”

idk, people just cant stay friends forever can they? i wish we still were, we always were laughing even if it was at others. hard choices were made, and i guess we had to go our separate ways, even if it did cost a lot.

^Hoban with cake in his face.

one of my favorite things about eight grade was my random PE teacher, he was always keeping his eye on me making sure i was happy, i would randomly get into conversations with him and idk, i would just like spill everything to him, i finally got a father figure i could look up to. who i lost just because i graduated

“some love fades while others last forever, even when it shouldn’t” -Ollie Hoban

“love is spectacular, it is by far the best thing you will ever feel”- Ollie hoban

yes randomly it was about love, a lot of the time he would give us lectures about it in PE but he did come up and talk in the morning when i was there early, he could like tell when i was unhappy.  im pretty sure he was like this with only a few people which makes it me feel much better!

now that i actually think about it. 8th may have been the best year so far!

“A woman was gossiping with her friend about a man whom they hardly knew – I know none of you have ever done this. That night, she had a dream: a great hand appeared over her and pointed down on her. She was immediately seized with an overwhelming sense of guilt. The next day she went to confession. She got the old parish priest, Father O’ Rourke, and she told him the whole thing.

‘Is gossiping a sin?’ she asked the old man. ‘Was that God All Mighty’s hand pointing down at me? Should I ask for your absolution? Father, have I done something wrong?’

‘Yes,’ Father O’ Rourke answered her. ‘Yes, you ignorant, badly-brought-up female. You have blamed false witness on your neighbor. You played fast and loose with his reputation, and you should be heartily ashamed.’ So, the woman said she was sorry, and asked for forgiveness.

‘Not so fast,’ says O’ Rourke. ‘I want you to go home, take a pillow upon your roof, cut it open with a knife, and return here to me.’

So, the woman went home: took a pillow off her bed, a knife from the drawer, went up the fire escape to her roof, and stabbed the pillow. Then she went back to the old parish priest as instructed.

‘Did you cut the pillow with a knife?’ he says.

‘Yes, Father.’

‘And what were the results?’

‘Feathers,’ she said.

‘Feathers?’ he repeated.

‘Feathers; everywhere, Father.’

‘Now I want you to go back and gather up every last feather that flew out onto the wind,’

‘Well,’ she said, ‘it can’t be done. I don’t know where they went. The wind took them all over.’

‘And that,’ said Father O’ Rourke, ‘is gossip!’”

and i know sarah wont read this cause shes ground forever but yes sarah this blog was directed torwards you.

so im sure your all wondering what this video is. ok so here it is. look in the video at… 0:36, 1:15, 2:00, and 2:46…. 

i hope you all got a great laugh out of it like i did, it made me cry i was laughing so hard

than there is school, scratch that… then there is sarah and anna. and this brings us to thy ol’ capulets. in english we are reading romeo and juliet. the montague and capulet families, mortal enimies, more like sarah (capulet) and anna (montague). me being closer to sarah and anna i was adopted into capulet family. and kristen in the montegue family with anna. everyone else was smart enough to walk away before they were adopted. 14 days of school left, 14! may favorite number! and that 14 isnt gonna be pretty. sarah and anna are fighting until one of them goes down. ive been pulled in already, down with montagues!